Dour time measured in children’s pastels strips away at the truth

In time lost, black and white are crushed and swirled,

Becoming gray, without thought or feeling

Locked up inside myself I call, yearning to touch hot flesh to cold steel

To bring me back to myself, facing me inside

And yet I run away, screaming, stripped away from within

Pain blossoms, writhing and tearing me apart

It fades, and I fight, this is no end, the night is mine.

I ran away, from myself, becoming black and white

When nothing happens, the colors fade away, becoming gray

This will not be the end

The pain is what you make it

Step into the changes and throw away your empty heart right now

This is your chance to become you

Ignoring a kaleidoscope of gray,

I search for black and white in the blur

Right now, I search for myself against a backdrop of pain

Fool searching, trying to become wise, trapped inside a body which is not mine.

I never want to leave this place,

Safe within myself, trapped by gray and seeking black eclipses.

I’m getting buried in this place

Beyond the rubble, shifting promises,

Something eats away at the lies,

Revealing my coffin inside.

Changes evoke a miasma of thoughts and feelings bloom,

But within myself, I don’t care

I swear, if I were dead, I don’t care

This is the end.

Digging, digging, searching,

Oranges on a grape vine scream as the flesh cuts, melting steel

I would have never thought

This pain is what you make it,

Singing an anthem to the lonely

Rip out my heart and offer it as your sacrifice.

This is something to scream about in the gray locks

Knives flash

And this cannot be the end.

Out there, someone is searching, but in here, I hide

Safe within myself

Right now I see it in a different way,

Face pressed and arms bleeding I scream out against the pain

For all it does, I am lost without myself

I’m tempted to give into the end.

But it’s too soon, it cannot fade,

So I begin to run again,

Through the lies and truths, melting metal encasing soft oranges

And blossoming dreams caught in a wildfire

I flee, deeper and deeper, through the fading dreams crackling through the burning

Incomplete, I’m searching,

End in end I fall, tumbling and crashing

Through an endless doorway, watching myself descend,

Through the wells of madness.

There’s a danger at the end, a shaking of sanity, the end calls

Flesh and blade, flame and rose-white petals reaching a floor far below me,

Swallowed by this disco ball my life has become, reflections spinning me into walls,

When it hits, the war begins.

I cannot stand alone, I will be washed away, something that never existed,

Pounding, my heart, the blood in my veins pools around me,

I am an angel in a halo of blood

The war has already begun

Fingers grasp, my hand connects, eyes meet

Slammed into the wall, suspended in the void, above is my savior,

World rending, parting, I have run away, followed by the eater of lies,

We have traversed the melting gray,

And here, at my end, they have reached out for me,

This will not be the end for me

Incomplete, I have with me, a disco ball sends shards slicing our skin,

Yet he stands, a King in my world, reaching for me, skin on skin,

Pulled me from the edge.

Shadows behind him manifest, eyes wide, others stand.

The world is melting away, yet betrayal does not come.

We run away, from the pain, incomplete, searching

Through the gray, the night is fading, but we remain.

A king stands black to black, standing lonely,

Surrounding are the roiling shadows

Wings stretch far above our heads, and below the disco ball shreds to dust.

Right now I see it all in a different way.

I stand lonely, until the hand is outstretched,

A life-line, a way home.

Running away, from myself, to some new day,

Singing, the ruby flames engulf the dreams, and I laugh,

The eater consumes the lies and I am alive.

I don’t care, we will leave this all behind,

And this is not going to be the end.

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Seashell by the seashore

Journal Entry 33


-There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who do not.

I have one thing to say. Panamanian buses suck. They keep them at icebox levels of coldness, and the windows don’t even open. Meaning that every time I had the urge to puke, there was nowhere to do it. The bathroom is also locked. I ended up having to mentally (and literally) talk myself down from the feeling of upchucking the measly dinner I was able to stomach. Read the rest of this entry »

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Stormy Weather

Journal Entry 32


-Quick! What’s the number for 9-1-1?!

At some point last night the power went out. And when it came back on, the electricity was so weak that it couldn’t even power the fan. Candles had to be lit even with the lights on, and it was ridiculously hot. I woke up at four and stayed awake, unable to sleep but still pretending to. The mom came in at some point and stroked my forehead. And thus began my last day in Guabito Panama. Read the rest of this entry »

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Wandering the forgotten forest tagged in red,

The noise ceases for today.

Leaves have not fallen, and never will.

A life, frozen in time, enveloped in stillness, breaths again,

But quickly.

The forest breaths, fluttering strips of red, fresh-cut blood evident on the fallen.

Dying bugs drowning in the sap buzz angrily their faults,

And the faults of the forest.

For what was once a home is now nothing more than a reflection,

Shattered a hundred times.

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Hello, HoverDad here (although you may have already guessed that by the author line, assuming I set this thing up to show the author.  If not, tough).  Our year (and by year, we really meant eleven months, but who’s counting?) in Guabito, Panama has come to an end, ten months early.  Our Lils has scampered off, and is at this moment (assuming that you are reading this within ten hours or so of posting) on a bus to the Big City.  Yes, she is off to La Chorrera, Panama!  Oh, that’s not the Big City?  Well la-dee-da.  Fine.  The bigger than Guabito city.  La Chorrera, home to waterfalls, famous sportsball people, and most importantly, some basic infrastructure that was unfortunately lacking in Guabito.

I would have loved to have seen Lils finish out her exchange in Guabito, but since it is an educational exchange, not a humanitarian exchange, she had to move on to somewhere with the electricity and running water and reliable class schedule that she needed for her education.  And really, I’d think they would want someone more human for a humanitarian exchange . . .

Anyway . . . good luck Lils.  Hopefully your 200 year bus ride won’t be too exhausting.  And if anyone has any ideas on how Guabito, a town surrounded by rivers, can create a reliable water supply, maybe we can ship Lils back down there to work on the water system in a few years on a humanitarian exchange.  She should be able to withstand the horrors of drain grime by then.

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Dull bike

Journal Entry 31


-I’m telling you Teal’c, if we don’t find a way out of this soon, I’m going to lose it. Lose it. It means go crazy. Nuts. Insane. Bonzo. No longer in possession of one’s faculties. Three fries short of a happy meal. Wacko!!!

School today started with the classroom being locked again. So we stood around outside until we had to go to the all school meeting thing in the courtyard, for the oath taking/flag raising/prayer/singing bit of the day. Then we were left in the courtyard, waiting there in the already hot sun as the last class. It got to the point where I contemplated using my years of acting to my advantage, and pretending to pass out. Luckily, it was unnecessary. We were led into the now unlocked classroom to find it packed completely full of desks. 9X7, with a few more crammed into the corners, and more being slid in after us. I was told by the English teacher not to ask. I just smiled and nodded. But I was even more curious. Read the rest of this entry »

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Journal Entry 30


-Give a man a match, he’ll be warm for a minute. Set a man on fire, he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Yay. Woke up in yet another another power outage. Someone in the real world wanna count them up for me? I’m too effing lazy, and I can’t count beyond thirty without needing a calculator. Ok, a thing of coffee to keep me from falling asleep. Anyway, no electricity, no washing my clothes, no shower, and, oh joy, the water has decided to go kaput too! I went to the kitchen, only to discover that there was absolutely no water. I tried to sink in the outside room next, and though there was some water, there was almost no pressure, so it basically just fell out a few drops at a time. At least there is drinking water in the fridge and in the water tank. Yay. I have something resembling a hope. Read the rest of this entry »

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Grandma Piñata

Journal Entry 29


-Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

The mom started going through my suitcase again. I kept hoping that she’d find my tampons, and then do something that would get me out of here today. The shower isn’t clogged anymore, but it’s still disgusting, and the water is still nasty. If I could get out of here fast, maybe I could focus on doing something other than bitching and moaning. And now the music is back. I can feel it, and hear it, and even Metallica can’t drown it out. There doesn’t seem to be much left for me to do. All of the clothes from the laundry basket are spread across the floor again. At least I finally have new sheets on my bed, and a new “blanket” which is just a second sheet again. Read the rest of this entry »

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Journal Entry 28


-Don’t give into reason! I can’t lose you yet! It’s too soon!

Well great. The mom kept wandering into the room every time I contemplated getting dressed, so I ended up waiting till she had left and the bathroom was vacant to change into school clothes. Then Nataly and Elizabeth left without me again, because I had totally forgotten to put my hair in a ponytail and needed an extra minute to do so. As usual I caught up to and passed them before they even made it a quarter of the way to school. Nataly just doesn’t seem capable of walking and talking at the same time, and therefore goes at a snail’s pace in order to keep up her conversation. And about halfway to school, I realized that my toothbrush was still in my skirt pocket, which was just great… Read the rest of this entry »

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Fruit thing I've been eating

Journal Entry 27


I love sunsets, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a

stick. How about you?

Having had no classes today has made it quite interesting. Someone brought a soccer ball to school, and some of the guys are playing soccer in the six by fourteen clear space in the middle of the classroom. They are trying to attempt some pretty fancy tricks. Trying. Not really succeeding. Mostly they just kick it really hard against the wall. It’s pretty funny to watch though. However, they do keep nearly nailing me in the head with the ball, which ended up with me actually nailing one of them in the face with the ball. And one of the guys keeps wandering over to have a look in my journal. Two of the other guys in class have set themselves up at the teacher’s desk with their laptops and some speakers and are playing music at a comfortable volume. Read the rest of this entry »

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